Today marks one month on this current journey. I am down 20 pounds. That sounds like quite the accomplishment but, honestly, when you are as far behind the 8 ball as I am, it does come off fast and is a lot of water weight to start. But I can feel changes all over my body and that makes me very happy with where I am right now and the progress so far. Energy is up. Motivation and discipline are up. Progress is up. Weight is down. Discouragement is down. One month, twelve walks, and 14.07 miles down. Life is good.
I went for a walk on Friday and did the normal two times around the East side of the Brush Secondary Campus parking lots. About halfway through I started feeling this nagging on one of the toes on my left foot. I just pushed through it. Believe me, it is the least of the “pains” I deal with when I walk. So I just kept going. I didn’t realize it was a blister or I would have stopped and adjusted things to prevent it. It is really going to be fine but it was sore enough that when I put my shoe on last night to try to walk it changed my mind in a hurry. I missed my goal of walking 4 times last week though. It is okay, though. I will get that this week. And to make up for it I went a lot farther than normal tonight. Wade joined me and we went 2.1 miles and 50 minutes. That works for me.
On our walk tonight, I had said that I wanted to take another route around the school. We went one time around and then I said I wanted to do the next time around a bit differently. He asked me what I had in mind and I told him that I had it in my mind but didn’t know how to describe it. Lack of oxygen in my brain, maybe. He replied, “Hey, it’s your world. I just walk in it.” And that set me on a stream of consciousness narrative that would have impressed James Joyce or William Faulkner, I am certain. My style is much more chaotic, I can promise you that. I will try and explain it in a way that makes sense.
My first thought was that this is my world. I mean not in the physical sense. Just that this life is mine to do with what I see fit. I can choose to operate inside God’s will for me or make my own decisions. My own decisions are not always the best. (Believe me, I have a corner on the market in the bad, regretful decision category. So I do my best to pray through things in my life and follow His lead in them) Then I thought about decisions and how they led me to this current state – again. Food. Why am I an emotional eater? Is everyone an emotional eater? Why do I love food so much? No, seriously. WHY? Thanksgiving. Turkey and stuffing and food. Holidays. OOooooOOOOhhhh, I have orange and purple fairy lights I bought for Halloween. I will get them up in the window when I get home. Halloween candy. MMMMMmmmmm . . . No, I can’t have candy right now, I am on a mission. Oh, the wind is keeping me cool but also making my nose run. Noses. I really want a nose ring. Just a stud. Is this what a mid-life crisis decision looks like? Do women have mid-life crises? But how do you deal with a runny nose AND a nose ring? Oh no! Did the blister just pop? It hurts. I am fine. It’s fine. Keep moving. Oh, wait, where was I? Oh, yeah, my world.
That started me on another train of thought. I once heard that life is just a series of rooms. Four walls. The rooms can be large or small. Pretty or drab. Dark or light. For me, the questions are: What are you doing in the rooms you exist in? And who is in those rooms with you? That last question started a whole other string of thoughts for me. But the biggest one that stuck in my mind is that in a journey like I am on right now, I am alone. I know, I know. There are folks who are cheering for me and praying for me and encouraging me. But it is a journey that I have to take. By myself. No one is going to MAKE me go for walks or drink enough water or eat like I should. Even if they want to. Because that isn’t what you do to people you love. You encourage them as best you can and then let them make the decisions they make. Consequences be darned. See the two paragraphs above for what I think of my decision making skills most of the time.
This led me to think about people I have shared rooms with in my life and my desire to foster relationships with them. And then I thought about one-sided relationships. I know we have all been there. People we love don’t always reach out unless you initiate the contact. And that is okay. I thought about people who don’t reach back out no matter how many times you try to reach out to them. I try very hard not to take things personally. I really do. But I often have a difficult time with that because when people treat me differently than I would and have treated them, it calls into question what I might have done to make them not want to be actively involved in talking with me. It makes me wonder if they care for me in the same way I care for them. But how many times have I made someone question what they mean to me because I was the one who didn’t reach back out or initiate the contact? I care deeply and love big. I always have. There is no “little bit” or “half way” when I love someone. I am all in.
All that to say this: I want to show up for you. In the same way I want to show up for myself in this journey. Not because I want to use you to benefit me in any way. Not because I have something to sell you. Not because you would be good for my downline. Not because I need to fill a void. Not because I think I am better than you. But because I care. Because I love helping people in whatever ways I can. And because I never want anyone to feel like they are alone in this life. The battle with weight loss has been one of the biggest and most difficult ones I have ever been through. If you have ever struggled with any amount of stubborn fat that just won’t come off, I know you know. If you’ve ever watched someone you know struggle with stubborn fat, you also know, in a different sense. The struggle is most certainly real and very, very long, difficult, and exhausting. But difficult doesn’t mean impossible. I have lost 160 pounds before. I know I can do it again. It is just a long road and it seems so daunting. But it is really nice to know that even though I am alone in it, I will never be lonely.
I had a moment last week where I was reading yet another message that someone sent to me about being encouraged to start working on their health and starting a path to weight loss and walking and just getting in better shape. It was like the 7th or 8th message of its kind. I started crying because I was overwhelmed by the response I have received. Wade asked me what was wrong and I told him that I was just trying to absorb all the people who are telling me they are starting on a new path and that I had encouraged them. He asked, “Why does that make you sad?” Men. They don’t get us and that is okay. I just responded that it was a happy cry.
I am thrilled with where I am right now. Not thrilled enough to quit. That is way on out there yet. I want to bring as many people with me as I can into a better, more healthy lifestyle. It isn’t easy. It isn’t anything that someone else can do for you. It will hurt. It will be discouraging at times. It will test every limit you have. It will push you so far past where you thought your limits ended that it seems unreal, even as it is happening. We are all capable of far more than we could imagine. It really is a matter of will-power meeting discipline. You will have to take the journey alone, but you will never be lonely as long as I am around. Just like I have so many in my corner, you can count on me to be in yours. I am here for you. After all, it’s your world. I just walk in it.
Losing Lacy 