This week was both stressful and wonderful all at once. The long-awaited shed arrived and was placed on the 20’ x 22’ pad of concrete that was poured 2 weeks ago. It looks lovely. Wade is loving it and I am secretly plotting how I can use a small percentage of it to boost my flower gardening and seasonal yard decoration habits . . . fret not, friends . . . I shall figure that out. *wink wink* I am so glad it is finished and we can focus on replacing the sprinklers and sod in the back yard and also get the new fencing installed next year. It will bring an end to many projects we have undertaken in the last 5.5 years. The shed was put together by a crew led by a man named Juan. Now, here is where things got interesting. There is a man who works in the permitting office at the CIty of Brush! whose name is ALSO Juan. Both very nice gents. I had gone in and purchased the permit for the shed a while ago – maybe 6 weeks ago – and Juan at the City had said for us to call when they were coming to install and he would come at the beginning to look at things like the footers and make sure they were complying with codes. So, we called “city Juan” and introduced him to “shed Juan” when he arrived. Well, something happened with city Juan . . . an emergency of some sort . . . and he told Wade that he wouldn’t be back to inspect the completed project later in the day but would come back Friday. What ensued when Wade came in to tell me what was going on was some sort of crazy, unintentional version of the “Who’s On First” skit. He said, “Juan had to leave and won’t be back until Friday.” I said, slightly panicked, “But we are going to have weather and all the materials lying out there are gonna get wet and that can’t be good.” He answered, “Not that Juan. The other Juan.” Yeah. So I said, “Oh, so one Juan had to go but the other Juan, the right Juan for the shed, is still here.” He nodded. We both laughed. We referred to it for the rest of the week as “A Tale Of Two Juans” inspired by Dickens “A Tale of Two Cities” and instantly I had a blog topic. Now to get it backfilled.
I posted my walk today on Facebook just like I always do but I highlighted that I hadn’t walked all week. In part because I had a very sore toe but also because I was feeling very sorry for myself. I have taken Ben’s advice and stayed off the scale for 3 weeks. But today, I decided I would see what damage I had done this week with not walking and prepared myself to be really upset. Just the opposite happened. I stepped on and saw that I am now 32 pounds down since I started this leg of my journey on September 12. I’m on pace to lose at least 40 pounds in my first 3 months back working on all things health again. I wanted 50 because that is what happened the first time around. My current standing is still pretty good. But this girl is the same girl who, at the end of a 3rd year college course, received a grade of 99% and was upset at herself that it wasn’t 100%. It’s a problem and I’m aware. I just don’t know how to fix it. And maybe it’s just that I need to let go of what LACY can do and trust in the work of Jesus and what HE can do in and through me. All things through Christ. Not through me. Anyway . . . I digress. I have come to the conclusion that the best way I can get past this “never satisfied” attitude when it comes to THIS journey is to stop comparing it to the FIRST journey.
For those not familiar with this particular Dickens novel I will give a brief cliff notes version, if you will. Dr. Alexandre Manette was falsely imprisoned. He was released after nearly 2 decades. His daughter Lucie was a huge support to him after his release. She loved him and helped him recover from the trauma of what he had lived through. I examined how the story followed characters in both London and Paris (thus the two cities title) and thought about how my weight loss journey has also had two different “cities” involved. Not literally, of course, but in that I lost 160 pounds over a couple years. And then I gained most of it back over the last 4 years. And now, I am on the war path to conquering my weight once again.
I think that the Lacy who was “lost” as I “gained” the weight was falsely imprisoned. The shining, beautiful soul who could have been was held hostage by the barrier of weight I had allowed to overtake my frame. It was a security blanket that I have written about before. No one looks at the big girl for much of anything. They always underestimate the big girl. They even discount the big girl or think her stupid. That has always been the case for me. I am not saying every person I have encountered has done this to me. But there have been plenty and while it hurts it was easier than putting myself out there in the glory of God and letting who I really was be seen. Not because I was hideous, bad, or unworthy. But because I was scared. So I boxed Lacy up and never let her out, locking away the truest parts of me in hopes that silence would hurt less than the exposure of some of the hurts and traumas in my life. I was afraid that if the world saw me, they would decide I wasn’t worth keeping. So I put her in a prison that she didn’t deserve. Losing weight the first time gave me the confidence to be seen . . . fully seen . . . and loved. But for far too long choosing isolation felt better than the vulnerability I have come to embrace.
When Dr. Manette first gets out of prison, Lucie takes on an almost parental role with him. He was in a very fragile mental state and she stepped in to take this protective, comforting role when he has his episodes and reverts to making shoes which was a familiar thing as he did that in prison. He used shoe-making in prison as a way to cope with the isolation of being there and the torment he was enduring. I use food. Happy? Let’s eat!. Sad? Let’s eat! Bored? Let’s eat! Celebrating? Let’s eat! I know I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I knew it 7 years ago when I started this first leg of my journey. And I am telling you I thought I had started to heal that. I read the books and prayed through my shortcomings. But it is a very hard thing to heal when it is more seated in trauma than not. It is just easier somehow to tell yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy, healthy, and loved, than it is to try and deal with the hurts we have to walk though in this life. Especially when these hurts are pretty big. Not “stubbed my toe yesterday” big. BIGLY BIG. I am trying to learn to love myself through the pain, traumas, and hurt that have taken the majority of my life to fully understand let alone cope with. Just as Lucie helped Dr. Manette envision that his future was a very bright one and helped him have hope for that future, I am trying to do the same with myself. It is much more difficult than it sounds. But I am trying every day.
I have also realized that letting the people in my life who want to support me and love me through this and some of the worst parts of my life have helped me more than I can ever express. What could have been a very suffocating feeling for me has actually had the opposite effect on my life. My family support has been tremendous in all ways. Friends that have become like family are also there every step of the way and I couldn’t be more grateful. In many ways, I feared that the support would turn into an ownership of my life, my story, my progress, by those who wanted to help. I was afraid that I would become a possession of theirs. They would not let ME make the decisions or would try to control me. But instead, just like Lucie’s love for her father, it showed me how love can truly heal trauma.
I came to the conclusion that just as Dr. Manette and Lucie grew to become strong and independent in their own lives, my two experiences of weight loss can also grow into a healthy, mutual relationship. I can let the past experience of losing weight and gaining parts of Lacy inform the current version of myself and of my weight loss. Where there is shame for failing myself and gaining weight back like I have, there is also the faint whispers of the lived experience from last time encouraging that life isn’t over; the journey isn’t over; you and I can ALWAYS begin again. And in beginning again, there is no judgment. No condemnation. There is only the love, comfort, and healing that come from accepting where I am and the faith of knowing where I will be. I believe I can get there. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t. I just need more patience and grace for my journey. Well, journeys, if you will . . . the journey to heal my mind and heart, the journey to continue spiritual growth through Jesus, and the journey to heal my body by getting it as healthy as I possibly can. Looking back, I can finally see that both versions of me . . . the hidden one and the hopeful one . . . have been trying to survive the only way they knew how. Now, I’m ready to let them work together instead of against each other. The past still speaks, but now it speaks wisdom instead of shame. I’m learning to honor the past without letting it define the future. And in doing so, I’m learning that healing . . . and weight loss . . . are not straight lines but a conversation between who I’ve been and who I’m becoming . . . a tale of two Lacys.
Losing Lacy 