Then When You Know Better, Do Better

I went for a walk yesterday. It was the first one in longer than I’d like to admit. I need to be better. Oh, I can blame the weather. I can blame the physical issues I have dealt with over the last several months. I can blame a lot of things. But, the point is, I know I need to be walking more faithfully to continue to drop the necessary weight. I didn’t set any land-speed records. In fact, it was one of the slower times for one of my completed two-mile walks. I went 2.08 miles in 39 minutes. As I said, nothing phenomenal here. I did what I normally do on my walks. I worked on my relationships, my spiritual well-being, my role as a wife and mother, my CBD business . . . and so on. (I mean, come on girls, we can flat THINK when we are alone, right?) And then, when I have exhausted my brain thinking about those topics, I move on to national and global issues. Yesterday was no different. And, no, the Coronavirus NEVER came up. I do this while listening to anything from Alanis Morissette to Metallica to the Gaither Vocal Band. It depends on which part of me I am feeding . . . the girl-power, the garage metal fan, or the Gospel lover. It varies. And sometimes, I listen to country. Because who doesn’t need a little “livin’, lovin’ and leavin’” songs once in a while to make you feel better about your life? Yesterday, I kept coming back to one thing. I need to be better again about walking and physical movement. Because I know better.

Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” I have loved this saying since the first time I read it and use it on my kids all the time. I know, poor, unfortunate boys. But I believe it applies to every single aspect of our lives. Yesterday on my walk, my mind kept going back to a conversation with my husband, Wade, from this last week. Follow me here . . . I ordered my oldest son’s graduation announcements last week. The same day, he told the baseball coach at the college where he had tried out that he would gladly accept the coach’s offer to play for him. S#!% JUST GOT REAL. Very real. And I had a mad, UGLY cry with Wade a couple days later. There is more that led to that cry than just Ben graduating and committing to college for baseball. But it happened. We were driving to Walmart (my favorite place on the planet . . . not) to shop (my favorite pastime . . . not) for a few things. I lost my mind. I feel like there is this “takes my breath away” feeling when I think of him not being here. But it’s such a happy feeling, too. I feel like I am grieving the fact that in a couple short months things will never be the same. He will always be my baby. But he won’t always be MY baby. And it is okay. It’s what’s supposed to happen. Change happens. And, usually, it is good. And the blessing is that he is alive and well. So many parents have to grieve the fact that their children have not lived long enough to experience the “what’s next” chapter of their lives. Please know, I do understand the difference. We are blessed to be able to miss him in a different way this fall.

So, you might ask, how does this translate to my weight loss and healthy living journey? Well, hang on as I invite you into my crazy, messed up, stream-of-consciousness mind. Last week, I said I am having a hard time loving the girl I saw in old photos for allowing herself to get so far from what she KNEW to do for herself. I realized that part of what I am feeling is a grief over the “ignorance” I have lost over the last year. Not innocence. That ship has long sailed. Ignorance. And the “stubbornness” in my thinking that I was okay in the shape I was in because all of my “numbers” on my blood work reports always came back good. I have always been healthy on paper. Blood sugar within normal ranges. Cholesterol and other factors for disease all within normal ranges. While those things are true, I am no longer ignorantly thinking that they will remain like that forever. The longer I lived that way, the more “at risk” I made myself for all the bad health conditions that could come. I think the grief plays a part because I am missing how easy it was to not think about the life I was living. I would go through periods where I would lose weight for a while. Then, I would start eating just a little bit more here or there. Always with the mindset that “one day won’t hurt me.” And while that is true, it was followed by another day thinking the same. And then another. And I would bargain with myself as if my eating habits were like the alarm clock on a sleepless night. You know, “If I can fall asleep now, I can get 5 hours . . . 3 hours . . . 2 hours . . .” Only it sounded like, “I will start tomorrow (or the next week, or the next) eating better.” Or, “If I start next week I will still have 3 months until I am supposed to fit into that plane seat.” Now, though, when I eat something I know I shouldn’t (beyond my normal cheat day, mind you), I feel disgusted with myself. And I miss the ignorance of not caring. 

Several things have come with my weight loss and this journey I’m on . . . how to eat better, how to exercise, how to care better for myself mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. In this journey, I have realized in a new and fresh way just how connected all four of those aspects are. You really can’t take care of one without tending to the other three. I am in a place now that I know I can’t and WON’T let myself ever go back to where I was. This has been a very hard and trying year. But a very rewarding year. I feel that while there is a sort of grieving happening over this change, it IS still a good change, and it translates to life and what I am dealing with for Ben right now. But I know that he is ready. For the new, the different, the better. And in my new-found lifestyle and habits, I, too, am ready. For the new, the different, the better. Because I know better, I do better. Speaking of that, I think I’ll go for my walk now before the rain comes this evening. And today, I’m feeling Metallica.

#loveyourjourney #youreworthit #bettermewithNewYouCBD #Endo30 #itsuptoyou