It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas 

This week I rode the stationary bike far more than I walked. I did walk three days. But I did ride every day. I think overall I did pretty good on watching what I was putting into my body. I didn’t weigh on Monday so I can’t tell you what I gained or lost over the Thanksgiving Holiday weekend. And I am okay with that. I will weigh tomorrow and see where I stand. I expect good things. 

It’s been awhile since I wrote anything that really spoke to the reason I started this blog. And for me, that’s okay. I think overall, even without speaking to the purpose of this venture, I have tried my best to keep myself transparent and open with you all about my struggles and successes. The reason I started this blog was to talk about the things I felt I had lost as I gained weight and have since “found” in myself again since losing some of the weight I have carried for all these years. I want to talk today about something I think I found again. Wade was off on Wednesday this week. His day off rotates through the weeks. He is off on a Monday, then Tuesday the next week, and Wednesday the next. It culminates in a Friday/Saturday/Sunday long weekend once in 6 weeks. It makes it hard to “plan” around sometimes. But we’ve grown accustomed to it. I had asked him earlier in the week if on his day off this week he would get the Christmas decorations out of our sheds and places where they are all stored so I could decorate. He asked me if I meant the tree or ALL of it. You see, for the past 10 years or so, I haven’t decorated anything in my house for Christmas with the exception of our Christmas tree. It’s weird though, because I truly love Christmas. It is my favorite Holiday. Thanksgiving is a close second. I told him I wanted all of it . . . the tree, the stockings, the nativity scenes, the Christmas village . . . ALL of it. I spent most of Wednesday taking it all out of the boxes, cleaning it up, and putting it up around the house. The Christmas village isn’t done yet. That is the only thing that isn’t, though. Wade still had to find one more box for me and now that he has, I can finish that today, maybe. Now, how does this have anything to do with what I may have found in myself that was lost or hidden? Well, it’s kinda complicated but I think I can boil it down to one word: Satisfaction. I haven’t spent this amount of time on any one holiday in YEARS. In fact, I may have spent more time on that day that I have spent on every Christmas in the last 10 years. And I came to a conclusion . . . I have spent a shameful amount of my time in this life wishing that I was different; that life was different; that my circumstances were different. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t enjoyed my life or that I haven’t had a good one, so far. But I often thought that if only “I had this” or could “do that” or “lived there” or “drove this” or could “cook like that” or would “decorate like” or had more of what I thought the rest of the world thought was “nice” and “awesome” and “whatever” that maybe I would be happier with the outcomes of the things I was attempting in my life. And at some point, I let that thinking stop me from doing what I really enjoyed during times like this. I don’t think I’m alone in this trap. If I were, the world’s economy would come to a screeching halt! People would stop buying “all the things” just because they wanted them. 

I haven’t ever really been a jealous type of person. Not really. Oh, sure, I’d see someone with a new car or new house or something fancy and think, “Oh! I could really get behind that kind of purchase!” But I could bring myself back to reality and find that place of happiness and satisfaction with my life and what I have. But something strange happened along the way. It wasn’t “things” I became obsessed with having . . . It was an “easier” lifestyle. I wanted to be thin. I wanted to be fit. I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to have nicer clothes that didn’t look like a couch or curtain pattern wrapped around my large body because, I mean, that’s what they make clothes for fat people out of, isn’t it? I wanted to be making better choices in ALL areas of my life. I wanted people to notice ME, my personality, my quirky (straight-out weird really) sense of humor and social awkwardness. I wanted them to see my big smile and bright, green eyes with their flecks of brown throughout. I wanted NOT to suck. I wanted it to be less “hard” . . . But it all seemed so overwhelming. I didn’t even know where to start. Especially when starting always ended with being right back at the starting line with even more weight to lose than when I began. I wanted all this because other people always seemed to have it SO together and made their lives look so perfect and easy. Well, I have learned a few things along the path my life has taken. No matter how much it may seem that way, things are NOT easy. For. ANYone. 

I recently saw something on Facebook (and that AUTOMATICALLY makes it true, right?) that resonated with me. The point of it was that you have to choose the “hard” you want to live with . . . Being fit is hard. But being fat is hard, too. Choose your hard. Being broke is hard. But saving money is hard, too. Choose your hard. Being an employee is hard. But being an entrepreneur is hard, too. Choose your hard. I can tell you that changing my lifestyle and getting healthier has been one of the “hardest” (most difficult) things I have ever attempted. Hands down. But I will also tell you straight out that being fat was one of the hardest things I have ever done. There comes a time when you have to choose one hard thing over another. I was unhappy in the body I was in. I had to hold my breath to tie my shoes. I had to use a seat belt extender on airplanes. I had to sleep on my side because the sheer amount of weight on my chest and neck made it difficult to breathe and not snore so loud I would wake myself up. I had to avoid sitting in folding chairs or chairs I knew wouldn’t hold over 300 pounds. I had to shop online for ALL my clothing. All those things were hard. Now, it’s a different kind of hard. I tell myself “no” FAR more than I would like when it comes to food choices. I go for walks almost daily. I ride the stationary bike. I do yoga for fat people. And I have to deal with being tired and burned out from doing the right things more often than not. One of the hardest things, honestly, has been the attention I have received from people. It’s not a bad thing in itself. But I am not one who appreciates attention like that. I almost feel as though there are people who are just waiting for me to fail. True or not, that is often where I find myself. I used to think that if I didn’t work for someone else, I would have the time and energy to focus on my health and wellness, and could develop better routines and patterns to help get healthier. While that has actually proven true, I can tell you that it really didn’t make it EASIER to do the right things. What I can also tell you is that I SHOULD have been doing all the things I am doing now all along and was using that circumstance as an excuse to not do it. I have debunked a LOT of long held beliefs and strongholds about things like this in my life. 

What does any of this have to do with what I found again within myself this week? I know that it is not about what I am doing or what I have that really matters. It’s who I am doing it with and who I share what I have with that matters. I could be just as alone in a huge, fancy new house as I could in a small run down little shack. I could be just as miserable with a ton of money as I could be without any. The things I pulled out of the storage boxes this week reminded me of Christmases that have happened in this house with my family. And I realized I already have it all. I have everything in my life that I need. Maybe not all that I want but, I will tell you, my “want-er” is kind of dysfunctional anyway. It ALWAYS wants something. My needs are met. My life is full. I have the love of my family and friends. I have the love of a Savior Who died for me to give me life. I have a chance to live my dreams and desires. I am satisfied. That will never mean that things are exactly as I would like them to be or that things aren’t hard from time to time. What it does mean is that I am not complaining. I am here, in this moment, and I am joyful, happy and satisfied. I don’t think it can get any better than that. 

#loveyourjourney #youreworthit #bettermewithNewYouCBD #Endo30 #itsuptoyou