The Grind

This week, our oldest son, Benjamin, played in his first college baseball games. It was great to be out there in the stadium with the other parents and fans to watch America’s favorite pastime. It was made even sweeter given the fact that his senior season of High School baseball didn’t happen because of the Covid lockdowns. We left the house at 8 that morning and drove to Hastings, NE, where he is attending school. We got to have lunch with him and then watched him in action with the rest of his team. They lost the first game and won the second. Overall, Ben did well. Had a couple hits and just had a good time. Again, it was nice. I think what really resonated with us both was how much work we KNOW he has put in to make it to the next level. We saw Ben work his freshman year to get back on the field after a grueling ACL tear, surgery and recovery. We watched him come home night after night, regardless of the sport in season and take countless practice swings off the tee in the backyard (a sound I REALLY miss hearing every day). We watched him throw this ball that has so many sides to it you can’t count them against the sidewalk to ricochet off the brick wall in front of our house to hone his reaction time. I played catch with him in the street until I thought MY hands would bleed . . . I mean I did have countless broken blood vessels over the years. It was the grind . . . the “behind the scenes” work . . . that he put in that helped develop his skill that always made us proud and made us MORE than certain he deserved to be where he was. On the drive home after the games, I had a lot of time to think about a lot of different things as Wade was resting beside me . . . I told him I’d drive home because he had to work the next day. We arrived home around 1:30 in the morning. It was a very long day! Lots of thoughts came to me during my quiet “windshield time” . . . I thought about just how proud we are of our boys. They are growing into decent, kind, loving men. I am okay with that. Another thought was about the laundry I needed to do. Still another thought about cleaning my house. The FFA Rocky Mountain Oyster Fry which took place Friday came up. And, as always, I can count on my mind judging me to the fullest extent allowed by law about my weight. About 6 months ago, I had a very real, very honest conversation with my husband. I am tired. I have worked for two years on my journey to be healthier and happier and in better physical condition than I have been in a very long time. But, guys. I. AM. TIRED. And I think I want to write about that this week. Therapeutic, if nothing else.

One of “my girls”, Cara, texted me this morning and sent a tic-toc of a girl talking about her weight and the struggle in losing weight and the mental aspect of it all. It spoke to me. I had a good majority of this blog written already. If you all only knew how many blogs I have written that have been wholly therapeutic for me, but somehow ended up being too “raw” or too “real” or too “whiny” or whatever . . . I have tossed out several like that and gone entirely different routes before. I am not going to do that today. I really think that if I feel this way, then, odds are, someone else is feeling or has felt this way, also. 

I am tired . . . like to the bone . . . tired of trying. Losing weight is one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. And believe me, I have done a lot of “hard” things. But this definitely ranks right up there. It’s the mental aspect of it that is just so overwhelmingly draining. I have been at a near stand still for the last 6 months as I mentioned. Losing about 3 pounds a month, if even that. And I have gained a few pounds mixed in there throughout this whole journey and then lost them again. I keep pushing because I know there is something better waiting for me on the other side of “fat Lacy”. I keep pushing because I know it’s the right thing to do, for me, for my family. But here is where I need to pause and tell you something. The last 18 months have been some of the most trying times in my entire life. I feel like I have walked through my own personal hell and back again. I am NOT telling you this to complain, or to garner sympathy or anything like that. I am trying to say that if you only knew what my last two years actually looked like you might find yourself questioning how I sometimes had the will to keep going. I find MYSELF questioning that at times. I can say that I have grown so much in the last two years and that also blows my mind. I don’t know if there are any areas where I don’t feel like an entirely different person at times. I saw something on Facebook (of course!) something basically said, “Good job to all those who are healing from things they never speak about.” That’s not exactly what it said, but you get the gist. We are ALL healing from things we don’t share with others about . . . even those closest to us. And if you’re like me, you eat those things instead of dealing with them. BUT, these past couple years have been completely different for me in regards to those things. I realized when I started this journey that in order to get my body to a healthy place I needed to work just as hard on ME . . . my heart, soul, mind, emotions and personal pain and trauma. It hasn’t been easy. And, as I said, the last couple years have added to those things I need to work on. But I have realized so much about myself and what I am capable of accomplishing. I just needed to take a break for a minute. 

No, I haven’t fallen off the wagon. I haven’t given up. I am not throwing in the towel. I am not slipping, or quitting, or failing. Please know I am not giving up on me. I am actually betting on me. I know I am going to be exactly where I want to be when this is all said and done. I think sometimes you have to take a break and re-evaluate what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. I needed a breather from the grind. 

With that said, I am back and ready to push harder than ever. I am over halfway to where I really want to be. But I have decided that my happiness is not wrapped up in what I weigh or what size my body is. My happiness is exactly what I make of it. My life doesn’t revolve around what I eat, or don’t. It isn’t completely about macros and carbs and calories. I know my life is more than that. I have a husband who loves me more than anyone else in the world. I have two boys, er, young men, who love me unconditionally, even though I am certain they will eventually end up in therapy because of me. Haha! I have parents, siblings, nieces and nephews and countless friends who are like family to me and they all love me just for being me. BUT, this weightloss journey isn’t about them. It’s about ME. It’s about taking time to heal from the inside out from the things I don’t talk about. The things that no one knows about. The things that have, in many ways, shaped me to be who I am. They don’t define me. But they have certainly REFINED me. They have made me a better person, in spite of myself.

The grind isn’t glorious. In fact, it’s just the opposite. It is hard. It is sweaty. It is bloody. It is painful. But it is necessary to get from where we are to where we want to be. There isn’t anyone in the world who can make us get up for the grind. No one can tell us to do it. And in the end, no one can stop us from doing it. It is up to us . . . in its entirety. And that is a lot of responsibility. I know that I am the sole proprietor of my own journey and I am the only one to blame for my happiness, or my sadness, or my success, or my failure. Me. Just as Ben isn’t doing what he has done all these years for his own glory, neither am I. Ben did it because he believed what we always told him . . . he could. He could be better each day. He didn’t need to worry about what the guy next to him was doing. All he needed to do was work on himself. Be better today than he was yesterday. Same goes for me. I don’t need to worry about what others are doing or saying. I need to worry about myself. I need to continue to work on me. I am doing it because I believe . . . I can. The grind sucks, guys. No doubt about it. But at the end of the grind, when all has been accomplished that we want to be accomplished, what is waiting there? I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t. But if working each day makes me better, then it stands to reason that what is waiting on the other side of “fat Lacy” is going to be better than what I have now. We are green and growing or ripe and rotting. I choose to push forward and continue to grow. I know I can. I believe I can. And I am worth it. 

#loveyourjourney #youreworthit #bettermewithNewYouCBD #Endo30 #itsuptoyou