Don’t Stop Believing

Hi. Hello. It’s me. Oh, come on. You remember. The girl with a big smile, quirky sense of humor and newfound love for writing about her journey in hopes of inspiring others. You DO remember, right? I mean, it’s been two years (literally) since I last took to writing a blog post and I don’t even know if my lovely editor, Carolyn, will have time to edit it for me. I guess you’ll figure that out by the number of grammatical errors contained within. Anyhooooo. I made a pact with a fellow coworker and friend who also happens to have her own blog called “Magzland” and I haven’t kept up my end of the bargain. We shared with each other that we both missed blogging and wanted to pick it back up. So SHE did. She posted two weeks ago. I did not. But there is something about having an accountability partner that really makes you want to uphold your agreement and sticks with you, making you feel a little guilty, if you don’t. And if I am being totally honest, I need YOU all to help me feel accountable again with my health and the journey I embarked on 4 years ago. But we will get to that in a second. For now, let me reintroduce myself *wink, wink* and we will go from there. My goal here today is really to recap where I was two years ago, update you all on how I arrived where I am today, and hopefully get myself refocused on the future.

Where I was: In a two year span, I was working on my weight and health and amassed a whopping 165-170 pound weight loss. Yeah, I lost an entire person! I went from a size 34 jean to a size 18, from a 4x t-shirt size to a 2x, blood pressure a steady 105/65, resting heart rate down from 85 beats per minute on average to 55 (!!!) and had reached a point where I was actually comfortable in my own skin even though I was at least another 60 pounds from my ultimate weight goal. I have/had a number in mind that if I were to achieve, I would be forever grateful and happy to live there the rest of my life. As it stands, I have gained a little over half of that weight back and it really isn’t sitting well with me anymore. Why? How did I get back here? I could blame all kinds of things. They would all be valid, mind you. But none of them really prove to be a great excuse. It really comes down to my mind reaching a very burned out state and a decision to take a break for a minute. A two-and-a-half-year-long minute apparently. 

Where I ended up: I will sum up the “break-I-took-for-a-minute” here as simply as possible. I had a cold that turned into pneumonia that I thought might kill me (being somewhat dramatic but also had true moments of concern). I had kidney stones. I fell HARD and injured my knee and shoulder (still thinking surgery is in the near-ish future for my shoulder) and then dealt all throughout with some nasty plantar fasciitis issues. In addition to that junk, as anyone who knows about chronic immune/health/pain issues can tell you, my arthritis, fibromyalgia and trigeminal neuralgia ALL decided it was time to flare because ALL those things really like to kick you when you are down. Please know, I am not whining. I am just sharing at this point that there were some serious things I was trying VERY hard to contend with and move through. Lastly, the company I was working with while using and promoting their weight loss products shut down for a while. It was bought out by someone else and did come back but without that wonderful tool on board.

Where I am now: I am back to fearing small, unsteady, not-for-fat-people seats, seats with arms, flying because I need two of those small seats and an extender, squeezing into clothes that are not fashionable or nice, the reality of not fitting in a restaurant booth, feeling eyes staring at me (even when they are NOT), feeling “less than” simply because I weigh “more than” most, and apologizing for my size and inconveniences to others that size brings. I have given up blogging (until this second), painting, and looking for opportunities to get dressed up and get out of the house. Those are the not so positive things. Now, I firmly believe in taking the good with the bad so the positive things are these: I am in a good place in my own head right now (emotional and mental peace that I have truly worked so hard for), I am still married to the world’s best man (just celebrated our 27th anniversary this summer), I have two sons with absolutely beautiful souls (one a senior in college and one freshly graduated from High School), a job I love and a church family to beat the band. What more could a girl ask for? Seriously! But if we ARE asking for more there is one thing that would mean the world to me . . . a healthy physical body to carry this soul of mine into many more years of life, happiness and God-centered joy. You know, the kind of joy that is indescribable and full of glory that the Bible talks about. The kind that isn’t dependent on circumstance, happiness, grief, or anything else. Joy that happens simply because I have a Savior who loves me beyond words. Yeah, I am still that girl. 

Where I am headed: I am not about to set goals right now. I am just not going to do that yet. What I am aiming for is to give space to the struggle I find myself in after gaining again and to the PERSON I was, became and am still striving to be . . . the Lacy that was lost in the massive weight gain – the girl this blog was about in the first place  – the Lacy that was found in the massive weight loss. I think she deserves that. I want to get back to a place where my body isn’t hurting anymore and I can sleep better and feel better and have more energy. It is really strange that you don’t remember how bad you felt after you feel really great UNTIL you start feeling bad again. I am also aiming to be comfortable in my skin again . . . not just wanting to stay at home because the outside world tends to be “judgy” and my self-conscious ego doesn’t feel good about being seen in this current state. I will get back there. I am confident that I can. And I really have that desire again. My “want to” is back. I just need your prayers and you sending your positive responses and support to me to keep me encouraged through it all. I will get back to blogging weekly again. I stopped writing because this blog was about my weight loss and I felt SO hypocritical coming in here week after week for 6 months recounting my 10 pound loss and telling you I gained it back again . . . and then lost it again. So I stopped and then gained another 80. But it is ok. I am ok.

There, we are mostly caught up, now. I wanted to start writing and posting again about this because, as I said in my first blog in January 2020, while no one will care about MY weight loss and health and well-being, someone will care about THEIRS. I have missed the interaction with all of you faithful blog readers and hope you are still out there. I have missed hearing how my struggle and journey had impacted and inspired you. My own aunt had told me that her weight loss came from seeing my success. My sister said the same about getting in the best shape she could for a body competition she had entered. So stay tuned. I am going to bring my faith, frustrations, fun, fears and furtherance in my journey to the forefront with you all each week. Yeah, I geek out about alliteration. Here we go! I’m ready to let my talk, walk. Back to finding Lacy. Again. Why? Because I am worth it.