First, a report of the week. I did well. Not great but not bad. I guess I would give myself a C+ grade for the week. I did well Monday through Friday. Yesterday was spent eating the normal foods one consumes in a car on a road trip and the greasy burger and onion rings at a restaurant while visiting Ben in Hastings, Nebraska, where he is attending college. I will weigh tomorrow and I am hoping to see my work reflected in the terrifying neon blue numbers that will flash up at me. Now, on to the rest of the story.
As I just mentioned, we made a trip to see Ben at college yesterday. We had decided a couple weeks ago, when we weren’t having football for High School, that we would surprise Franklin by taking him to see a college football game in person at Ben’s school during their homecoming and show him what he could earn by working hard on the field and even harder in the classroom. He hopes to play football in college just as Ben is playing baseball in college. So we hopped in the car and left here at 7:00 in the morning to arrive in Nebraska (after the time change)at 12:20 that afternoon. We watched the game and then grabbed a bite to eat at a nice little place in downtown Hastings. We went back to the field to watch the warmups for the girls soccer team as a couple of Ben’s friends are on the team and they wanted us to see them also. Then we left. Something happened on the car ride up . . . I started thinking about meeting all of Ben’s new friends and how excited I was to finally see some of these kids face to face that I have seen and met over FaceTime and heard so much about. It was about halfway there that I started to feel familiar pangs of doubt and questioning creep into my mind. For so many years, I had wondered if my kids were ever bothered by my large size. Very large size at times. I wondered if they had ever had to listen to someone say something mean about their mom because I was large and kids can be mean sometimes. Did they have to bear unwanted and completely unnecessary hurt because of me? And then I thought, “Oh, goodness. I am still a very large person. And these kids who have grown to be Ben’s friends may or may not know how large I am and there’s NO WAY they know how much weight I have lost or how hard I am trying to change and now I am going to embarrass Ben!”
For SO MANY years, I have worried about what people have thought when they look at me. What do they notice first? My size? My arms? My legs? My fat rolls? Or do they see my face? My hair? My smile? My eyes? Do they pay attention to me long enough to recognize my spirit? My personality? My intelligence? I don’t honestly know. Some of that doubt comes from hearing people say things that aren’t directly related to me but “judgey” nonetheless. For instance, one time, I attended a dental seminar/training in Arizona and sat in a group with other Clinic Administrators when someone at the table said, “I don’t understand how anyone could POSSIBLY be scared of dentists! It is stupid and they are just being babies. Suck it up already!” I was taken aback by that statement and said something about it. I know plenty of people, some in my own extended family, who don’t like the dentist and some who are downright terrified of the dentist! Another example would be that I don’t enjoy being involved in conversations where the topic centers around other people and their lives and/or wrongdoings. I am best served and grow in conversations that discuss ideas, challenges, and situations as opposed to people. But that’s just me. I love talking to people about my kids and my life and love hearing from others about their kids, lives and problems in return! But, through some of those types of conversations, I have lost trust in people because of how easily they can make “someone” the topic of conversation. If they can talk about other people to me, there’s nothing saying they won’t talk to other people about me. You know what I am saying. I know you do. It’s not that I won’t discuss someone if there is a particular informative reason behind it. But to talk about someone just to talk? Not really my cup of tea. I think I am saying all this to say I have a REALLY hard time trusting people to not judge me based on my looks or size or anything other than just who I am and what makes me, well, me.
The other side of this is that I am one who always tries very hard to please everyone around me. Not in a “tell you what you want to hear” kind of manner. Not at all. I have my own opinions and I will share them when appropriate. What I mean is that I will bend over backwards to make sure people are happy and because of that I will do just about anything to make sure they aren’t inconvenienced. Even if it comes at my own detriment. I don’t know when I became like that. I don’t. But I can’t ever remember not being this way. I think it all ties in to my self-worth and feeling like I deserved no more than the bare minimum of anything life and family and friends had to offer. It was easier to deal with certain trauma and mistreatments in my life to think I didn’t deserve any better. It makes the bad things seem less impactful and valid when you can shrug it off as though you aren’t worthy of good and love and light.
I guess I have transferred these feelings to my boys, in that, I have wondered what they have thought of me. Have they been ashamed of me or embarrassed by me as I have been ashamed and embarrassed by myself through the years? I don’t know and I don’t know that I WANT to know! But I can tell you that the experience yesterday made me proud of my child in a way that I haven’t been before. He introduced me to all the people that stopped by to see him. By the end of the football game, I would say probably fifteen or so of his baseball teammates had slapped his shoulders and said, “Hey, man! What’s up?” or “How’s it going, Ben?” And he introduced us. We met his roommate and his roommate’s dad. It was very nice. And I was able to relax. A little bit anyway.
I guess I am trying to figure out what I need to do to start to see myself as my kids, husband, family and friends see me. I don’t really have any clue where to start. But if I truly want to take better care of myself and reach all the goals I have for my weight and health in the long term, I need to start seeing myself and loving myself like they do. I can speak verses from the Bible over myself. All the good promises and blessings and names God has given me in His Word. There are so many! If you are like me, struggling to find worth and lacking self-confidence and afraid of what others see when they see you, STOP IT. I am saying that to myself as much as I am to you! Stop worrying. Stop fretting. Know that the people who see you are seeing the you who loves with your whole heart and the you who would do anything for anyone. My family and friends love me. I am so blessed. At the end of the day, my sons know that I will always be there for them. I will always be their biggest fan. Just as my friends love my children because they are mine, my children’s friends will love me because I am theirs. I have to be willing to trust people long enough to give them room to know me, and love me. But I have to let them close enough to see all of me. As flawed and as perfectly imperfect as I am. Most people won’t disappoint. They will accept me and love me and see through whatever is actually wrong with me long enough to see what is good about me. They’ll learn to take the good with the not-so-good. And I’d be willing to bet that most of them won’t see my weight and large frame front and center anyway. Take it to the bank.
#loveyourjourney #youreworthit #bettermewithNewYouCBD #Endo30 #itsuptoyou
Losing Lacy 