Jesus Take The Drill

This week went by fairly quickly. It seems that is the case for most days and weeks and months anymore, as I said in my last blog. I heard on Monday that I got the position I had applied for with a matchmaking company. It’s quite different from some of the other internet matchmaking websites out there. My position with them will be as a Membership Representative. I’ll be one of the people on the phone with folks looking to purchase packages for a certain amount of matches as they try to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. I am really excited about it. I will work from home still and will be able to do NEWYOU, my CBD business, as I have been. I will be able to set my own hours and will still be flexible around when I am working. For me, it’s perfect. During the second interview I was asked what had prompted me to apply for the position. For one, a friend of mine, Leah, has been working with Tawkify for 8-9 months and loves it. She encouraged me to get my resume together and apply, so I did! Another reason is I really miss talking to lots of people every day. I have loved this time being out of the workforce this past year. In fact, I needed it on a larger level than I think I realized I did when I first gave notice at the dental office I was a part of for 12 years. I went from seeing, physically, 30-45 patients every day and talking to even more on the phone to seeing only my family and occasional friends. I miss people. Even more so though, the decision to apply with Tawkify came from my desire to make people happy again on some level. I was the main treatment planner at the dental office for a long time and I loved selling dentistry and getting people into treatment plans they needed and finding ways for them to pay for that treatment and then seeing them so happy with the results they didn’t stop smiling. I miss that A LOT. And I am happy to have a chance to do that again in some way! I will keep you posted and please keep me in prayer and positivity as I start training on July 26! Thanks for letting me be excited and update you on this!

I had an interesting week. On Thursday, I was out running errands. The main road through town, the highway, is being worked on. It was stop and go on that road and I was behind a tow truck hauling a small car. Well, on one of the “go” parts after we had been at one of the “stop” parts, the tow truck took off and the car came rolling off the back end. I was thankful no one was hurt and that I wasn’t closer, had been paying attention and was able to stop again before becoming a part of the incident. I was also nearly hit on the driver’s side of my car as I crossed an intersection where the cross traffic had stop signs and my street didn’t. I slowed and looked twice both ways before crossing and still a car came barreling through the sign and didn’t stop until it was inches from my door. But one of the things that came to me as a lesson for my blog this week was from my youngest son, 16-year-old, Franklin aka Tank. I was in the family room making a couple calls for my business and I heard what I thought sounded like a power drill. I kind of ignored it the first time, thinking I really didn’t hear what I thought I had heard. Then I heard it again. So I got up and walked down the hallway to his room. I have since learned that Wade, my husband, had taken the drill into Tank’s room to fix a chair for him. Putting things away immediately after use is not one of Wade’s strong suits. Never has been and after 25 years of wedded bliss, I have come to the conclusion it probably never will be. As long as he doesn’t mind all my non-redeeming qualities I won’t hold any of his against him. Anyway, after hearing it a third and fourth time as I walked down the hallway on the way to boys’ rooms, I knew it was the drill. For sure. I just needed to find out which one had it. I stopped and looked into Ben’s room and saw nothing but Ben. Tank. I reached his doorway and peeked my head around the corner. He was sitting on his chair with his elbows on his knees and the drill firmly in his grip. The “rrrrrrrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrrrrrr, whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” sound stopped as I spoke, “Hey, buddy. Whatchadoin?” He glanced up at me. He placed the drill carefully on the floor in front of him. He just said, “Uh, I don’t know.” (And, yeah, that’s still an acceptable answer at this age) I asked him to carry on doing nothing but please leave the drill out of his plans as I didn’t see anything truly constructive happening. He chuckled and said, “Yes, ma’am.” (And, yeah, that’s still an acceptable answer at this age) I turned and started back down the hall. Then Tank called out, “Hey, Momma . . . Can you please take this drill away from me so I don’t get into trouble?” My turn to chuckle as I answered, “Yes, sir. I can do that.” (And, yeah, another acceptable answer, this time from me) I took the drill and left him in peace, still chuckling to myself at his ability to recognize his self-control/discipline challenges. I was still chuckling a few minutes later when I started thinking, “Man! I could use some of that self-realization and self-intervention in MY life!”

There are certain lessons that come to us in life in such a simple way, their depth and profound impact are nearly deafening. My whole life I have struggled with self-sabotage and self-control and self-discipline. It’s not just about my weight right now. There have been times when life was going so well, I would do something purposely just to change it. I have had such a hard time for such a long time believing that I was worth any kind of happiness. Maybe it was because of some of the losses of some really important people in my life. I don’t know for sure. I can tell you that sometimes I felt a little guilty for enjoying a life that my mom (who died in an accident when I was three years old) wasn’t enjoying. Like, how dare I be happy when she couldn’t enjoy it with me. Or thinking the same thing about an uncle who was like a dad to my sister and me. He died when I was 16 years old and it was devastating. There are a number of traumas and tragedies that I trudged through. I gained weight as a resulting combination of many or most of them. It really all boiled down to the fact that it is easier to stay fat and unhappy when you’ve told yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy and healthy and beautiful. It makes all the terrible things you’ve been through seem less hurtful, harmful and even impactful when you can convince yourself you don’t deserve any better. There were years when I didn’t have close friends because close friends pose a number of risks. They get to know you and your secrets. They can leave you for many reasons at any given time, death not excluded. When you have been hurt in unimaginable ways you don’t want to hurt anymore and you close yourself off to things, regardless of how wonderful they may actually be. At least, I did. I closed myself off from a lot of things and people and events and circumstances for a lot of years. And there are still a lot of things that those closest to me don’t know about me. But that’s really okay with me. I know them well enough to know they’d love me no matter what I told them and no matter what my past looked like. My point here is that I have sabotaged my own happiness because I refused to let go of things I KNEW were going to end up causing trouble for me. Food, alcohol at one point, selfishness, fear, pain, bitterness, unforgiveness . . . they have all been things I held on to for way too long and way too tight. 

I wrapped myself in excess pounds (a LOT of them) because it made me feel a little more invisible to the outside world. I always figured that folks wouldn’t want the “big girl” around and I wouldn’t have to decide if I wanted to step out of my comfort zone. I wasn’t ever the center of attention and I really liked that. It was comfortable . . . I mean, until I had to tie my shoelaces, or sit in a chair with arms, or change into a thin paper gown that was always 5 sizes too small in an exam room. Then, in those moments, I just quietly hated myself for gaining so much weight. But, somehow, I always managed to eat my way out of those feelings, too. I am not trying to make this dark and depressing. I am in a much better place with ALL of this than I ever have been before. This blog is about things that I lost as I gained weight and things I have gained as I have been losing weight. And I made a promise at the beginning of this venture that I would always be brutally honest and would not hold back on scary or embarrassing or painful truths about what I have gone through where my weight is concerned. Do I eat too much at times? Yes. Do I eat the wrong things at times? Yes. Do I need more physical exercise? Yes. And that’s what I am saying here. It would be so much easier if I had someone to peek their head around the corner to remind me that what I am doing or eating or not doing or not eating really isn’t in my best interest. I may not have the same ability as Tank to willingly part with whatever I am holding in the moment that’s going to spell trouble for me, but I need to learn. Kudos to Tank for recognizing a pending problem, and choosing HIS best interests over passing time with a power drill he really didn’t need to be holding anyway. I need to learn to be more like my 16 year old. Stop the self-sabotage (in ALL areas), release those things that are not serving my best interests and learn, just like Tank, to ask Jesus to take the drill. For crying out loud. I am worth it!

#loveyourjourney #youreworthit #bettermewithNewYouCBD #Endo30 #itsuptoyou