I Do It Myself

This week has been much like the last 6 weeks (or however long I have been reporting to you all for my accountability). So far, I’ve walked 5 out of 7 days. I say “so far” because I plan to walk this afternoon. I gotta write this blog first though! I have been less diligent with food choices. Well, really I have been less diligent with sugar choices. I had ice cream. More than one evening. But, again, I was cognizant of what I was eating and what it was doing. And if I tell myself NO all the time, I won’t want to do this at all. And it wasn’t enough to derail me or any progress I have made. Honestly, the bad food choices were attached to a couple of “rough mental health days” for me. And that is the excuse I am going with. Yes, I know . . . I am better than excuses. And, you’re right . . . I just need to DO it right. Thanks for reminding me. 

When my youngest son, Franklin, was little, he would always watch his brother, Ben, and his cousin, Kelton, and try everything they were doing. Not kidding when I say the kid pretty much potty trained himself because he wanted to potty like the “big boys” did. Yeah. He was 18 months old. That was fun. He was (and still is) headstrong and pretty fearless and adventurous. And he did anything those two older boys did or told him to do. We are not going to talk about them “sword fighting” with streams of urine in the bathroom or when they decided they were all going to pee in the trash can in Ben’s room. Now, if you don’t have boys, you may not truly understand this. If you only have one boy you may not truly understand this. However, if you do understand this, know you’re not alone. If you don’t understand this, please don’t judge me. I am way out of my league raising these boys of mine. And, I digress. Anyway, Franklin, Tank as we call him, was always up for adventure. And never encountered anything he couldn’t do or didn’t want to tackle. That is until a certain word entered his vocabulary: impossible. He began using it ALL. THE. TIME. He was learning how to tie his shoes and he kept saying, “This is im-posssssss-ible,” in the most exasperated tone a 5-year-old could muster. I tried to explain to him the difference between impossible and difficult. To him, the mere fact that it was difficult made the task impossible because he had neither the time nor the patience to learn this skill he would use every day of his life. He once told me he couldn’t wear a certain shirt because it was impossible for him to like it. He stopped wanting to try new things because he was sure it was going to prove to be impossible to accomplish. It took a lot of patience and quite a bit of convincing before he learned the difference between impossible and difficult. I don’t know when I last heard him use that word. It has been a very long time and I am grateful for that. Sometimes, jokingly, he will say it about something. But never being serious. However, this week, I caught myself saying it outloud on more than one occasion . . . this is impossible.

There are days when I know I don’t measure up. I don’t do it right. I don’t want to try. We all have those kinds of days. But what I have realized is that it has been far too easy for me to say, “It’s impossible to *fill in the blank* because . . . ”, and just go on without doing whatever it is I have deemed to be impossible.  I have told myself I shouldn’t try doing crossfit or any other type of endurance training or exercise where others also train because it will be impossible for me to get it right because of my size or physical UNfitness level. And God only knows what kind of judgment I’ll face because of how out of shape I am. I have caught myself saying it’s impossible for me to reach my goal weights and walking times and loss of girth (inches). It is SO easy to not only doubt yourself, but to push yourself back down into a box where you are comfortable. What I am really trying to figure out is when did I start letting myself talk crap about ME and letting myself get away with it? I can’t really say I have ever stood up for myself like I should in any arena in my life. I have a personality that assumes blame in EVERYthing that happens, whether it is my fault or not. And I am a pretty forgiving and gracious person so I just take things off my chin and move along. BUT, I can also tell you this: I am stubborn and determined and quite independent. My mom has told me before that my first full sentence was, “I do it myself!” If you know me at ALL, you would most likely believe that and can see it play out in my life almost every single day. What I am getting at is this: I may not stand up for myself but I will do everything in my power to prove you wrong if you tell me I can’t do something. I have always been that way. I don’t want help, and most of the time I will tell you I don’t need help, whether or not that is the case. My motto at times could be, “Tell me I can’t and watch me do it anyway.” To be told by someone that I can’t or won’t do something serves as motivation for me. My attitude quickly becomes, “Well, let me show you . . . ” and then I throw in a LOT of “I’ll do it myself!” just for good measure.

No one has ever trash talked me like I trash talk myself. Never. Sure, in my life I have been treated poorly and sometimes very badly. Just as most people who have ever walked this earth have been. But I am not aware of many “haters” who just want to see me fail. I am sure they are out there. But the people I have gathered around me at the moment truly care about me and want to see me succeed and they really are cheering for me. If they weren’t, I wouldn’t have them around me. I would distance myself from them and the negativity they bring. Well, I will say there is one who would have me fail. Satan. Evil. Because if I fail, God isn’t glorified in my life as He deserves to be. And yes, I believe that Satan is real and he is fighting Good every day. I believe that he knows he has lost the war but will try and win as many battles as he can along the way. And what better way to do it than to attack someone and make her feel as though she can’t do something because it is “impossible” to accomplish. 

As usual, I had written down a few thoughts and made a couple of voice memos about things I wanted to write about this week. Then, I had a conversation with someone through text messages this morning that completely validated some of those thoughts. This person texted, “The trick of the enemy is to divert our attention away from what he – the enemy – is trying to do.” I actually texted something back to the person from the notes I had written down in the middle of the night. That note said this: “I need to be reminded that my troubles and problems aren’t about me anyway. It’s a distraction and a diversion that Satan will use to keep me from walking in God’s will for my life. And in the end, I will come out stronger and better than I was by His glorious grace and mercy – all to accomplish His will in my life and the lives of others.” What better way to keep us from finding God’s will for ourselves and living that out than to convince US to get in our own way and self-destruct? 

I think it is important to remember that we really can be our own worst enemy. And we also have to remember that we are conditioned along the way to adopt certain behaviors and beliefs and we develop certain strongholds in our life. We have to challenge those behaviors and beliefs and strongholds and make sure they are still true and make sure they still benefit us. If they don’t serve us, we need to let go of them or change them. We have to learn to adapt and change as things are revealed to us or we will never grow. What things are revealed to us? It could be any number of things or a combination of those things and I think that varies per the individual. We could recognize long held patterns and beliefs that don’t hold water any longer. We could be striving to have experiences in life and get the same results as others have gotten only to be disappointed with the ending. We could have ourselves convinced that we can’t do something because it is impossible when it really is just difficult. Marriage is difficult. Not impossible, but difficult. It takes a commitment that you’re not going to give up on yourself or each other to make it work. Parenting is difficult. Not impossible, but difficult. And changing our lives for the better is difficult. Weight loss and better fitness is difficult. Not impossible. I KNOW it isn’t impossible. Look at where I started and where I am now. But I need to be reminded from time to time that I can do whatever I need to do; whatever I set my mind to do. Does it take patience and perseverance? Be sure of that! But, nothing is impossible. Remember? Tell me I can’t and watch me do it anyway. 

#loveyourjourney #youreworthit #bettermewithNewYouCBD #Endo30 #itsuptoyou

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